Can I find my Soul?

by; Malissia A. Holmes

Words cannot express what dance has done for me. It has been my own time of the week and day - it is a time to let go and just be me for me. Its challenging and rewarding and I have felt so amazing in class and after class. It is my outlet for the bottled up creativity and energy that is inside me. It has been exercising without feeling like you are exercising. When I dance my mind is free from all the stress in my life. When I’m dancing, I don’t think about how I have homework to do or a disappointing argument with my boyfriend. I have looked forward to dancing when I was younger missing a class would make me feel miserable. I am so happy that dance has been a part of my life. I remember times when I was once a hard-core all out dancer. When I was younger I would attend auditions in New York that came up last minute and by chance if we heard there was an open casting call. I loved going to the city, taking the trains and also the dreaded subways. If I can remember anything about the trips to the city it would be that and begging my mother to go to Time Square to see all the different lighted billboards. Dance was life! I had dance posters and pictures everywhere in my house. Magazines that had any relation to dance were stacked high and I always had a new one to share with my friends. My friends and I would discuss and argue about the new tights our parents had bought us, our brand new leotards with the back out, etc. When you are little anything that you do in dance is cute and was great, but in my findings that doesn’t last for long. No matter how serious the class is you expect to have the approval of your family but as you get older the audience becomes very important in your career.

I have choreographed and taught dance for my previous dance schools and cheerleading teams. Whether it was 10 second interludes at football games to teachings a toddler dance class a relatively easy combination, I did it. Dance has been a part of my identity probably since before I was even walking. My mother always comes to me with stories about how when I was little I would sway side to side, clap my hands and try to jump up and down. She says that’s why she put me in dance lessons. At one point in time I was taking dance class and gymnastics, dance classes and karate, or dance class in piano lessons. Piano lessons didn’t last for long I wasn’t interested in making music but dancing to music. Movement was something that I was just about and no one could tell me differently. I believe that very often people forget that dance is a sport. Similar to other sports you need to warm up before you dance but the movement entails you to sweat, loose weight and also to stay healthy like sports do.

My mother is not one of those crazed dance mothers that would beat or antagonize their child about every time they made a mistake with a dance position or move. She was encouraging and supportive of all my decisions. When my mother saw that I was not happy she was persistent in finding another dance school for me to go to. At The Studio, I was beginning to feel as if I wasn’t growing much as a performer anymore. I had attended the dance school from 3 years old to 14 years old. Although it was territory and I rained as such I thought it was time to move on to other things. As boastful as it may sound, I had no one better than me to push me and make me strive for better. I was the crème of the crop at The Studio and it was time for me come down many levels and see reality. My dance instructor, Mrs. JoAnn, taught me how to be a leader by teaching me how to lead classes in each genre of jazz, ballet, and tap. She has given me tons of responsibility and I left under her instruction on very good terms. Mrs. Joan understood and was supportive about my decision and respected me for it.

A year or two before I had decided to leave The Studio, my little cousin Brianna, had left and was going to another dance studio that was very adamant about dance technical training. I went to a lesson one day and loved it! Mrs. Burrell was a “no joke” kind of instructor. She knew everyone’s ability and pushed them way over their limits. At the Asbury Park Technical Academy of Dance I began and worked diligently to fit in and for the students to accept me. I had definitely gotten what I asked for! At The Studio I was at the top, and Mrs. JoAnn was a white woman with a very pleasant teaching and dance style. The change was hard. I was now being taught by a thunderous black woman, with a more diverse atmosphere. At The Studio I was mostly teaching and in class with white students. I did not mind it at all, to be honest it was nice because there I was very good and many girls looked up to me. At the same time that I was changing dance schools I was also changing academic institutions. Grammar school I attended a private catholic school and I had transferred to a public school in my town, Neptune High School. At the Technical Academy of Dance, I was introduced to grueling dance lesson on Pointe (ballet on wooden shoed), African dance styles, and also a more intense outlook on ballet and jazz. Mrs. Burrell had asked me to be in her junior dance company. The girls and boys in the junior dance company wore purple leos and like I said earlier, leos in my dance life were very important. They distinguished which level you were in the dance academy. In the specific level you could have any kind of leo (back out, 2 straps, and single straps) they just had to be that specific color. Tights just added to the fun. Usually we had to wear pink tights but they could be of any brand of any style with the cut out toes, etc. The tights and the kind of leo was what made you, you and made you stand out from the rest of the girls and boys in the class. Even though the change from dance to schools and even academic institutions could sometimes be extremely mentally and physically hard, deep down inside I was very happy with the decisions that I had made. I definitely grew a lot with in myself and I had experienced so much more with in my dance career.

Then college came around and I received a $20,000 dance scholarship to attend Ursinus College. Within my town community there was an alumni of Ursinus College that had seen the dance company perform many times. He was interested in the students not only through dance but through academia. He wanted to give 2 promising students a $20,000 scholarship to attend Ursinus College in Collegeville, Pennsylvania. There were 3 of us that were graduating in 2006 and we each had planned to attend college. One of the girls did not apply for the scholarship because she had planned to attend Tuskegee University not even giving Ursinus College a glance. So then Danielle Harris and I decided that we would go visit the school and apply together. We both applied to the school and applied for the scholarship. We were both awarded $20,000 a year to attend UC in the name of Dance.

Ursinus College is a liberal arts college and dedicates itself to render diversity. Danielle and I with so much technical training were asked to totally disregard what we had learned and told to drill everyday. We were asked to learn an eerie kind of modern dance and contact improvisation. I was very open to modern dance taught by Ruthie, who herself was taught and was the muse of the great dance, Paul Taylor. I have been taught by Cathy Young who has choreographed modern pieces, jazz pieces, and ballet pieces that I have been a part of. But I was not open to contact improvisation. Forgetting all of my technique was and is impossible. I can not forget content that has been instilled in my mind. That is like asking someone to duck for cover when something is being thrown at them or yield to on coming traffic. It is just tough. Now don’t get me wrong I have learned many things from my dance instructors here but I thought that passion for dance would stick and it has not. And now I believe that I want to take different course in my career, not giving a thought to "use it or lose it." Taking this spring semester off from dancing has definitely put me in a bind. I definitely miss dance and the great feeling that it gives me. It is definitely hard watching other people perform because I feel like I should be on the stage. Even though my heart is still with dance, my soul has left it.

Sometimes I think when people think of dance they don’t think about how hard it really can be. If you want to continue with some kind of career in dance, you are usually training as if it is a part-time or full- time job. Dance has definitely put me in a different world from others but I don’t think that I have missed out on anything. So what I missed a couple of parties or sleepovers that might I have been the pillar to my popularity rate. I was able to obtain a hardworking lifestyle and many responsibilities that have helped me grow and become who I am today.

I definitely feel like 4 months of not dancing has had effect on me and if I was to begin again it would be very emotional for me so I will have to begin slowly. Now almost 21 years old, I begin to lose my tenacity for working out. Most people my age, working out is all that they want to do. I feel like now all I have is my ballet balance, ballet feet, and ballet hands. I am determined to still be graceful.

I RSVP’d to dance in a reunion performance at my old dance school, Asbury Park Technical Academy of Dance, Sunday June 8^th, 2008 where all Mrs. Michelle Burrell’s graduate dancer will perform at the yearly recital. To my understanding the month of May will be intense dance rehearsals. The enthusiasm that my old dance instructor has is like no other and I must be ready for anything that she will throw at me. So for my own good I need to be ready.

I have not written this to put down any part of my dance experiences. All the techniques and all of the instructors that I have had have all inspired my life. I love the emotions that I have developed because of dance I am very happy with making other feel there on emotions through my performances. For some dance releases our minds from the chaotic world in which we live in. I have decided to go back to dance not because I have to, but all of these things that come along with dance makes be proud to say I am a dancer, and gives me something to believe in when everything else seems to let me down. Someone once told me, “if you are there for the dance, the dance will be there for you, and I believe that with my whole heart.”- I truly believe.